the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
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