The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
