I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
