I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
