my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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