Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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