And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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