I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
