i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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