My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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