He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
