I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
