The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
meet me or not, i'm out of control
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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