God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
