you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
