Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
