Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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