Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
