Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
