I accidentally burped into my bong.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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