My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
