First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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