these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
