Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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