he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
