Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I FOUND THE LEGS
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
