I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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