wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
