listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
