Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
