My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
