New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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