hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
