he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
