if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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