Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
