Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
