We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
