I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
