You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
