there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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