We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
