My room smells like vodka and shame
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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