I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
