He is an equal opportunity slut.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
