I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
