he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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