I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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