for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
