Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
