i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I checked into jail on foursquare
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
